Writing down what my husband says as he watches The Bachelorette

• James: Look at these guys.
• James: The only way to get on this show is if you say yes to these questions: Are you a dick?
• James: Do you like tight black t-shirts and arm curls?
• James: Do you like attention?
• James: Do you have an arm tattoo?
• James: Why aren't any of these guys talking about fucking her? That's ALL these guys would be talking about without the cameras there.
• James: Look at these guys. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick.
• James: I can't believe this woman put her kid on this show. "My Dad died, and then my Mom went on this whore show twice."
• James: This guy is totally Will Forte.
• James: What!? This guy just answered a question with a question.
• James (valley girl accent): "I'm not feeling butterflies!! I'm just feeling sick that I have to sit with this guy who answers my questions with questions for another 2 hours."
• James: She's crying because she's a total mess.
• James: I would hate to get murdered. That would be the fucking worst way to die ever. You'd just be like, "ARE YOU FOR FUCKING REAL?"
• James: As if this woman couldn't find a boyfriend without a TV show.
• James: A beard isn't really complete until you can put elastic bands in it, right? That's how I'll know when mine is done.
• James: When I was fat a few years ago, in all those pictures, can we just tell people that was your uncle?
• James: I'm going on The Bachelor. I'm so fucking done with you Kelly. I'm going on the Bachelor to meet one of these hot ladies who knows what they are looking for.
• James: The only thing Tony can do at this point is whip his pants down.
• James: I'm going skydiving. Chances of dying are 1:100000, chances of dying in a car 1:4000. I'm going to skydive into the pool. If I died because the chute didn't open, that's a pretty great story for the kids to tell their friends.
• James: I want a 60 day membership to this BJ's place.
• James: Look at this douchebag's hair.
• James: Nice fucking letter, man.
• James (Imitating Bachelor): "I have a son named Taylor. He's 5 and a totally sweet kid and he will absolutely bone your daughter Ricky."
• James: Stevie is a PARTY MC??
• James: Who says 'mincely'? Who the fuck says 'mincely,' come on.
• James: You can tell that guy got hit in the head.
• James: As if she's gonna pick the Party MC, she has a kid.
• James: She picked the Party MC. That's how you know this is buillshit. That's fantastic.
• James: You're a biology teacher man. You make 20K a year, what is THIS GIRL supposed to do with you, a biology teacher? She already knows where her vagina is.